Yes and

When you say "Yes," you provide agreement. If you build on that and say "Yes and," you lend support. If you say "Yes but," you are really saying "No." It's just a more creative "No," or a softened "No."

I prefer "Yes and" statements. They are positive, reinforcing conversation tools that build trust. In contrast, "Yes but" statements erode trust. Some people seem to think it's the same as "Yes and," but it's not. "Yes but" is at best a way to stay on both sides of an issue. At worst, "Yes but" is a negating statement. The "Yes but" statement says "Yes, I agree with you, but not really."

Consider this exchange: "I'd like for us to work on project X." "Yes, but do we have the funds for it?"

The first person might be a manager identifying a new project for her team to work on. Or the first person might be a staff member suggesting a project he would like to be assigned to.

Maybe the second person was agreeing to the project idea, but was genuinely concerned if there was space in the budget to pay for it. Or maybe the second person wasn't interested in the project, and was trying to side-step it. In either case, the "Yes but" immediately presents a road-block to the conversation.

How would you turn this "Yes but" into a "Yes and" statement? Try converting the "but" statement into an action statement. For example, a staff member answering a manager who asked "I'd like for us to work on project X" might reply, "Yes, and I'll do a rough estimate on costs so you can fit it in the budget." This provides support for the idea, and raises awareness of costs and funding.

Practicing "Yes and" can be a very powerful team building exercise. Try this exercise that we use in the IT Leaders workshops: Start by dividing up the room into small groups of three or four people, and asking one person to start with a statement. The group (including the first person) takes turns building on the statement with a "Yes and" like these examples: "Yes, and I'm enjoying today's workshop." "Yes, and you can use the lessons in your day-to-day leadership." "Yes, and if you exercise this every day, it becomes a habit." "Yes, and I can do some defensive scheduling on my calendar to reflect on how I'm using it." When the group runs out of "Yes and" responses, start again with someone else and a new statement.